Here We Go Again.

So the time has come where it looks like Tom and I might be finally heading down that forbidden road once and for all. This past year things just have not been going well for us at all. I really don't know what his problem is. He says it's me. But when we try to talk it out, we just end up in a fight, and I end up in tears. He doesn't know how to talk things like two mature adults. Everything is either, " fine, fuck you' I don't want to talk about it" you just don't get it" I'm tired of going through this" . You do this every time" or the all mature silent treatment that last for a week on end that I am enduring right now. did I mention I don't even know what he is pissed off at me about and won't tell me? He just says " I'm done" And I am not permitted to speak to him or I catch a ration of shit judging from the tone of his voice if I do. So if I really HAVE to talk to him, it better be good! All I can think of is I keep the house clean, clothes clean, dishes clean, family fed, drive the kids to school, pick them up, drive them to church,{ which is another topic in itself- if you don't believe in God,fine. That's your choice-I'm not one to preach to you, but don't mock me and my belief and my decision to bring my boys up in the Catholic faith just because you don't believe or have trouble believing. That just irks me to no end and is completely not fair to me and is disrespectful to me and your children. I also take them to Boy scouts,religion classes, soccer practice, games,volunteer at the school, help with homework, take out the garbage, make sure recycling is taken care of, tidy up around the house, do diaper duty/ potty training, sometimes I WILL forget to water the plants I'm only human but if they catch my eye I will tend to them, In the midst of my running around,maybe he could help out a little bit, maybe that would take the strain off of things, he DOES tend to ask if he could help when I'm all DONE with everything- you're a bit late- but I swear he does it on purpose just so that he can say he offered! And a I have yet to hear a "Thank you for things which really gets me... I have yet to feel really appreciated.. More of "it's what's expected of me" is what I was even told a few times if I recall correctly which if I had a cast iron frying pan.... The gall! where his job is make the money and come home and sit on his ass and watch the news? ummm? Yes you make the money, and I stay home with the kids, if we could afford to put Brendan in daycare, I would, until then, don't hold it against me. You pay for everything, and I am very grateful for that, but don't hold it over our heads- like at Christmas time- he wants a pricy item I cant afford and when I tell him I can't he says "then I don't want it then" like a child. It's not fair. I want to buy it for him , but can't . Can't buy much at 125.00 every 2 weeks plus putting gas in the car. Can't save with that. Have to get a shirt or wallet or something low ticket like everyone else. The other thing that burns me is yes we have credit cards, but try not to use them, but when we DO use them , he makes it KNOWN that his present was paid for with his own money so basically he bought his own present in essence- Dont do that- for 1 it makes us "little people" feel stupid and not everyone makes as much money as him, and 2- it spoils the meaning of Christmas- Christmas is about the thought the spirit, the meaning ,not the priciest present .Half his family can't buy presents anymore due to economic problems. which is fine so I tell them to just come for Christmas dinner and call it even.He's been known to say to them "where's my present? and they say they can't afford one. His moms out of work, his sisters a waitress, and well his brother's just cheap..;) As for the "cave man" state of mind, We're not in the 50's anymorrrree.. Sorry.. This is the year 2008- Youre not Archie Bunker, And I'm Not Edith.. I know that's how it went with YOUR mom & Dad when YOU were growing up, but flash forward, new generation! Also, If I forget to shower that day, I promise I will the next day! So back off! This is all done on a daily/weekly basis- when its done , we do it all over again, Maybe he's feeling a bit neglected? Well you know what? I take care of "that" too-I may be a bit in dire need of some lessons, but hey at least I'll make an effort! But I can't even remember the last time I was "taken care of" so that's been a bit lax as well. So maybe he's a bit pissed. Hell I should be pissed, but I'm not, because it's not that high on my list -keeping my family taken care of is. But I've grown up learning you gotta "give in order to receive" so... for now hes not on speaking terms with me and I've been camping on the couch. Which brings me to another point. Why do I always have to leave the bed? Anytime hes the littlest mad at me, he says " go sleep on the couch"? I sleep on my left side , and he rolls onto his right side, he says " roll over" he thinks I'm staring at him! you paranoid freak! go to sleep! so for the rest of my life, I can ONLY sleep on my RIGHT side or my back? and if I sleep on the couch hes pissed at me? yeah THIS is gonna work the next 50 years! No WONDER there's nothin goin on in the bedroom! I can't even remember the last time he kissed me passionately or even held my hand! how sad is that?? And romance? don't go there. I can count on one hand in 8 years the amount of times he gave me flowers.His main deal with me is that I put 'weight on" {I'm 125 pounds}boy please! If you wanted a trophy wife/ super model to flaunt to your friends or co -workers, you came to the wrong place- first off, I am Miss Shy to begin with, except if you get me liquored up, them we'll talk, other than that, I clam up. You are talkin to the wrong girl. Why can't you just like/ love me for who I am? I got soft in my middle where I had fat sucked out to make my stomach flat [Meanwhile he's got a good belly there] and my butt isn't as flat as it once was- and my thighs could use some work - that general area needs to lose some inches I agree, but I have a LIFE going on that evolves around a two year old that doesn't always like taking a nap, I need to clean the house in the morning, I run errands, I don't just sit on my ASS and eat Bon BON's all day! I barely get to sit down never mind workout! I'll be damned if I even know where my walk man even IS! If he hooked up a cam he'd see me going zoom! zoom! picking up toys, vacuuming, potty training, you name it, yes I will check my email, them its back to business. i am more or less "super mom" as he calls me. There's definite reason why I cry myself to sleep every other night. I cry in front of the kids and they wonder why mommy is so sad. I try not to and put on a brave face, but I just look at them and think of the future, and the tears just start streaming down my face. I wanna leave, But I don't have the money. He pays me 125 dollars every 2 weeks.I can't save with that. I know he can't help it, he'd'd like to give more, that's all we can budget I can barely pay for gas and stuff with that. That's all he can afford. The kids love their dad. but they're also afraid of him a bit. He's stern but can be playful, they just want his attention, to play with him. But he even said to me " I hate kids. " He said to me before Thomas was even born when he saw the picture of twins on the wall "we don't want that" and when I was pregnant with twins Thomas and Nicholas I to this day CANNOT find in the medical records it stating that Nicholas had only 3 chambers in his heart-maybe I can't read it right, I'm going to have it looked at by a professional, but I really don't want to have to think that Tom did something so despicable as to have a selective reduction done so that he would not have to support another child even though Nicholas had Down Syndrome- So what? Tons of children are born with Down syndrome and lead perfectly normal lives. You don't abort it because it's not born "normal" to your standards. We had many fights while I was pregnant because I was against the procedure, he was for it, right up until the day of it, and I remember him saying, "if we keep this baby I guarantee our marriage will not last!" and I was so vulnerable, and I needed him and I loved him, where I just folded and agreed. I wished I was stronger and just held my guns and Thomas still had his twin brother.Because he talks about him all the time now where I know he really wishes he had his twin brother and it breaks my heart and I hate myself for the decision I wish I never made. All because of a man who basically in a way controls me and I somehow have to break free of that and become my own person. A stronger person for me and my boys. Otherwise we're just a second generation of what he was growing up with with HIS mother and father and I'll be DAMNED if I let my family become the product of a broken family like his was growing up when his father was leading the controlling ways talking down to his wife and kids the way he did and left them and basically the kids became degenerates. The mother busted her ass to provide for them and he put her down and the kids any chance he got, - thought he was God's gift. Thought children should be seen and not heard. Had the temper of a bull.In any case, I will NOT let my kids follow suit of a first generation full circle follow through of what his childhood was like. I heard the stories and they won't happen.I read that some men follow the parenting paths of their parents which is understandable- that's how they were taught- that's all they know- His father is a horrible role model,let's leave it at that. If this is the beginning of the end, I need to find a good paying job to support myself, my kids, bank some money, so that when the time comes to move on, I will be ready to say goodbye. But we're in such an economic crisis, who's hiring these days? That's the kicker. And without a degree? I'm double screwed.. I REALLY like photography, but I don't know what kind of future and benefits it holds..that and animals..Tom, why'd ya gotta go and do this? Can't you be a LITTLE more mature when it comes to things? like your marriage?You have two boys who adore you and are going to be very screwed up about this whole thing. Don't do this to them.Or us. All I ever prayed for was a happy healthy family and someone to share it with. Did I REALLY have to say someone who would love me as much as I love them? I thought that fell along the lines of a happy family.. Today Friday- he seems to be talking normally to me, but he still has a sharp tone to it, so I'm still on my guard- This happens at least once a month so its not blown over.. theres a festival this weekend involving ribs , and trick or treating next week for the kids - he wont go to that one, but the kids will get dressed up which will lighten him up a bit, Halloween usually lightens him up, but the holidays stress him out a bit, I'll be on guard. I miss you guys. Sorry this was so long.

Brendan's Big Boy Bed

Brendan finally reached the milestone of owning his own big boy bed. he's been taking naps in Thomas' bed when Thomas is in school, and very much outgrowing his crib. At night when it is time for him to go to sleep, He even says "I want big boy bed". So last week I ordered him a toffee colored Bed, headboard, and dresser for 500 buck- and yesterday went to Sam's and picked up the mattress for 20 bucks. He spend his first night in his new bed, and it was a success! no getting up in the middle of the night, in fact, he crawled in on his own when it was time for bed and in the covers and went right to bed. He even didn't want to get out of bed this morning! I stayed on the couch to keep an ear out, and he called out a little bit last night, but it was only because he couldn't find his puppy! i put it next to him on his pillow, and he went right back to sleep. Brendan's big boy bed I can safely say was a success and a hit!